The Quirks of Being a War-flower

Hello, folks! How are you doing? Fine? It is me again with my new piece of blabbered thoughts.

Well, have you ever thought what it is like to be in a war zone? To be on your toes all the time while looking out for enemies armed with weapons.

Tell you what? You have been. Remember the last time when you stood up to you parents for the stream you want to choose not the one they have decided for you, you were in a war zone.

Or the time when you finally decided to let go of the turbulent relationship you were in or the person you love because you can't take it anymore, you were in a war zone.

The time when you lost someone so dear to you that you felt yourself going numb from the pain, my friend you have been there.

Don't get me wrong. By no means, I wish to belittle the struggles that a soldier faces at the border rather, what I aim to point at is, that aren't we all the same. Aren't we all stuck in our own war zones struggling to find our way out there.

Eventually though, we come out of it or at least get better at hadnling.

Well, in my case, it took me years to get to this point. A place where I am totally comfortable with my weird self. Where I can be comfortably hungry for more that life has to offer and say thank you at the least that I get. 

The journey though, has been an unexpectedly turbulent one.

It was around my middle school years when I realised I am different. From hobbies to preferences, I realised,  I just don't fit in. And that's when things started going haywire.

I would often get laughed at for my perceptions and views (that were often very different from others), so much that over the time, it became a kind of norm for me. Things turned even worse after that. It's like constantly floating in the river of guilt with nothing to hold on. No matter what I say, it is prone to be called stupid and that's what they made me feel too.

That phase, now that I remember it, had been a funny one. It ripped many of my perceptions into pieces and showed me things I wouldn't have seen, otherwise.

It ultimately shaped my conscience too. The guilt phase, when I would blame myself for being a weirdo that society cannot accept, transformed into today's reality of me still* being a weirdo, but one that has risen above the barriers of society's thoughtlessness. 'What would people think?' is no concern of mine anymore.

The ultimate 'Cycle of Acceptance', I think that's what people say it. You deny, then despise, get depressed, accept a little and finally, there comes a time when you understand that it is you who needs to love yourself the first, and the most.

Today, looking back, I find my life to be a beautiful piece of mess. There are so many things I wished I knew, but then I am more than grateful for not knowing them. Ignorance is bliss!

So now when people ask me, often surprised (and shocked) by my 'unusualness', exactly what I am, my reply stays very simple- A war-flower.

A person who has struggled her way through the mess. The ongoing war between your own sense of worth and the one, that is determined by others. The war of being staying true to yourself even at the expense of being ridiculed, or accepting the norms and let your  identity fade away. I know it all. And, I have decided to speak it out.

It might not the most amazing story you will ever read, but then you know what? It does not have to.

That's the quirk of being a war-flower. You come to realise that everything you have experienced (no matter how insignificant it is to others) has become a part of yourself. Your conscious starts flaring as you become remotely aware of other people's sufferings. Your empathetic self helps you to see both sides of the coins and of course, you realise you hate being with people a lot more than you used to.

The word 'people' becomes synonymous to 'trouble', something you would rather stay away from. And that's how you finally learn to be at peace with yourself.

Life is like that, and the best way to deal with it is, 'Stay Put'